Q and A day!
And on that note, if you’d like to ask a question about how I reined in my eating to be answered in a September/October post, please ask in the comment section below! (All names will be changed.)
A reader says:
My husband is an eater and doesn’t care that he’s heavy. It’s hard to eat well around him. I end up having what he’s having.
He ruins my eating plans entirely.
Anne-nonymous
Dear Anne,
This was my problem in spades when I first decided to lose for good.
I call my husband The Scarfer (a nickname that would horrify me, but he finds hilarious).
Turns out my sweet husband has “food insecurity” (his term) from kid-hood. At times, there wasn’t enough food on hand for a family of seven, and he learned young to eat as much as possible when the opportunity presented.
But I didn’t know this back in the day. All I knew was that I’d married a devoted eater. One day, it occurred to me that I had to separate my eating issues from my husband’s — or I would always be at a weight that didn’t feel good to me.
In therapy-land, my aha moment is called “individuation.” Meaning I realized that I needed to establish in my own mind that I was a separate person entirely from my husband and his tendency to eat a dessert or three every evening.
Look at it this way: say your partner prefers to get up every morning at four. Or smokes. Or runs ten miles every other day. In all of these examples would you join him or her?
No way, right?
You can see the individuation with more extreme examples (up early, smokes, runs ten). Now apply that thinking to your own relationship.
The Art of the Friendly Request
Once I fully embedded my aha moment into my very being, I could then make smart, kind requests of him like:
- “Could you put the Entenmann’s cupcakes in the far back of the top cupboard where I can’t see or reach them? (Perk of aging: If it’s not in front of me, my memory is wiped.)”
- “If you want to make something for the kids on the weekends: could you make pancakes instead of waffles?”
- “Can you not buy Chunky Monkey or Rocky Road? But by all means, get the kind you love!”
Thinking Outside of the Brownie Box
When you’ve embedded that to live happily ever after, you must separate your eating from your partner’s, then the “how to live with an eater” ideas burble to the surface. For example:
- A coworker’s wife insists that he keeps his junk food at work — and out of their kitchen — and he happily complies.I eat very light at dinner. I’ll either make a salad or eat what the family’s eating, but I keep the portion small. (Note: the latter is only after twenty years of practice. You might want to stick with the salad for now.) Is it more time-consuming to make a salad for myself? Totally. And that’s okay. Nothing about losing after 50 is a breeze. Plus bonus: family members have gotten more involved in cooking! I know!!
- I tend to go to sleep early before the dessert extravaganza erupts in our kitchen (two young men-children plus The Scarfer).
The thing is, my husband has seen the eating changes I’ve made through the years, and has had his own success in eliminating some food-porn like chips from our grocery list. He’s somewhat living an intermittent fasting lifestyle, and has lost twenty. But through the years, I never said one word.His food anxiety. His body. His decisions.
I have my own eating issues and they’re different from his (noting the difference — learning to make peace with difference — is part of individuating).
We all engage with food differently: for many, food is love, for others a fun distraction from boredom, and others a habit entrenched when we were young.
In the end, I had to change how I related to meals and snacks with my husband in my life. My days of joining him in this were over.
I was never hostile or naggy or “disappointed in him.” I was simply firm, but smiley: “no donuts for me,” “I don’t eat ice cream anymore,” “if I eat pizza it’ll be at breakfast.” Note how often I use “me” or “I.” I don’t say, “You shouldn’t eat donuts!” I say, “No donuts for me!)
There’s no end game to losing and maintaining after 50. We have today, this hour, this minute to make our smart eating choices.
Because you and I will forever be beautiful works in progress.
I try to remember this thought throughout my day. Let’s remember it together.
♥, Wendy
P.S. Are you new to the Inspired Eater? Welcome!! This blog won’t make much sense until you first read the Aunt Bea post (and you’ll find Aunt Bea on this page to the right under my short bio). On your cell you’ll see it immediately following the first post. After you enter your email address, the Aunt Bea article will be sent to your email’s inbox. If it’s not there, you might check the spam folder. And always feel free to email me at Wendy@TheInspiredEater.com and I’ll get Aunt Bea right to you!
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I am not an expert, a doctor, a surgeon, a nurse or a nutritionist: the information within TheInspiredEater.com is based solely on my personal experience and is not intended to be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. ♥
12 Comments
I was pretty fortunate in that my husband decided to join Weight Watchers just a week or two after me and while it was frustrating to see how quickly he lost weight and how much more he could eat we did definitely learn that we were eating for ourselves and we can all go out for ice cream and I’m perfectly content to be along for the ride or just have one bite of his treat without getting any for myself. But I do have some items I request the family not stock in the house though they are free to eat at work or school.
Yep. You sound just like me.
The “just a bit of his ice cream” is a very advanced skill! 🙂
Wendy
This is so wise. So often I have felt like I’m ruining everyone else’s fun.
I’m so glad you liked it. ♥♥♥
Wendy
I’m married to a “scarfer” too, so I can relate. I also get frustrated because the foods I like or want to eat, he doesn’t, so then I either have to make two separate meals every night, or only eat what he likes. I’ve done both. These are good tips, I think I’ve done them all. He does keep most of his junk food at work.
My take away: Individuation. Good to know for so many reasons. Issues can feel like spaghetti sometimes!
Love these tips. I not only have my husband but the kids and their spouses to work around too. Always a challenge. Thanks for sharing your post this week. #HomeMattersParty
I enjoyed reading this! Thanks for linking up!
Very insightful about the need to individuate. I am fortunate that my husband and are pretty similar in our health goals, but we work it our own way. Another great post, Wendy! And kudos to your husband for making the decision to eat healthier.
Michelle
https://mybijoulifeonline.com
Thank you so much Michelle for writing. Your words are very kind. I just shared them with the dogs I’m babysitting for a friend. 🙂
Wendy
Thanks for sharing at the Big Fat Menopausal Life’s Share the Wealth Party. Have a wonderful week!
I’m happy to post, I think couldn’t figure out at day/time you’re doing a party. I’ll sign up and get the newsletter.
Thanks for writing!
Wendy