The Inspired Eater
In Snuggly Winters

A New Way I Relaxed My Grip on Perfectionism

No Comments

Let’s get wise to perfectionism’s grip on our lives: check out this new way of chilling out.

We have new people – and  welcome!! – I’m sharing five super important posts to read below. It’ll make these weekly posts a lot easier to understand. And if you haven’t received your Aunt Bea copy just write to me at: Wendy@theInspiredEater.com and I’ll shoot it right over.

Pearl One

It appears to me that while our culture — publicly — trounces “perfectionism,” in private it’s a whole ‘nother story. We drive ourselves crazy attempting to be perfect. We worry that if we’re not perfect, catastrophes (plural) will likely descend.

Perfectionism is dangerous because it enters our heart on stealth mode; we don’t realize what’s happening until perfectionism has become a way of life for us. (Like fish don’t recognize water.)

And getting a handle on our own perfectionism is no picnic. Our neighbors drive slick cars, gorgeous people are everywhere in shows and on social media; our homes look lovely (as long as nobody goes upstairs) and so on. I once knew a mom in our kids’ playgroup who wore her one-karat diamond engagement ring with pride. Until another mom moved into her neighborhood with a two-karat. So, guess what one-karat did? Yep, you’re right.

Given that our culture is oriented to showcasing a fabulous lifestyle by buying things and more things, it’s no wonder we’ve fallen into the perfectionism-quicksand. So, let’s not be hard on ourselves. The perfect (seeming) world is all we’ve ever known.

But when I feel ensnared in the grip of perfectionism, I write in my journal about the deal I made with myself around the need to be perfect. (A supervisor said, “I want to be duck gliding atop the water, and kicking my little legs underneath as hard as possible.”

In my journal I wrote essentially that some level of perfectionism could stay in my life. I’d only be allowed to bring my A-game to writing articles and our blog. I also stay on point caring for my darling kitty.

But the deal I made with myself is that I could only “go perfectionist” on one or two things. So with that in mind, Martha Stewart would give me a D in making my bed each morning (even though I love returning home to a made bed). She’d give me a B in keeping my car clean. At this point in my life I know I’d get an F for cooking (I cooked and baked for years and now that chapter of my life is closing). I’d give myself a B- for getting library books back on time.

You see? You can keep your perfectionism re: one or two things and then give yourself the gift of chilling out and allowing some things in your life to live at a C+.

Try this method using your perfectionism tendency to consciously choose what part of your life needs the A treatment and which parts are fine if they’re at a C-. Thinking about priorities like this, instantly gives you room to breath.

Let’s begin by pulling out our journal and asking ourselves strong questions:

  • When and where did I get the idea that I had to have my ducks in order at any given time?
  • If the overall plan is to decrease debilitating perfectionism, can you make a list of exactly when perfectionism enters the picture? (Ex: I wanted to be a perfect mom.)
  • Can you be outstanding at one passion-project, but a “C+” at other things?
  • Write five examples of the people around you now who seem to have perfect lives. (Ex: like an outrageously talented singer, your next-door neighbor who’s an airline pilot and drives to the airport in his silver Porsche; the blog mom who keeps a clean home, wears light make-up and still has time to take adorable reels of her little girls and then post them online.
  • What do you think might happen if you’re not at the height of your powers? (Ex: you’ll be passed over in some way?)
  • Write five examples of stuff that happened in your childhood and teenage years re: perfectionism.
  • What do you tell yourself when you don’t hit it out of the park?
  • Do you have one person in your life that seemed tethered to an authentic life and never seemed to think about perfectionism at all? (For me, it was my grandma.)
  • When you think about perfectionism now, how does it present in the current day?
  • If you’re going through a tough situation not of your making – lol, who isn’t? — where/how does perfectionism rear its head?
  • How can you talk to yourself so that you’ll help yourself chill out?  (I was getting paralyzed by a project I was working on. Perfectionism was bothering me so much, that I finally just told myself to relax and fun. And the message stuck with me. I wrote it down a couple of times on my calendar so I’d see it every day.

Perfectionism has no place on our Smart Eating Path. I didn’t lose and preserve the loss acting perfect. Quite the opposite actually. It’s funny, but we don’t need to hold the reins so tightly. Let’s consciously relax our grip; we’ll likely have a better experience relaxing as we continue to trek the Matterhorn (losing after fifty). ❄️

Pearl Two

I thought that researching the history of dieting meant digging back to the Middle Ages, and that is where I found an Italian named Luigi Cornaro. Cornaro lost 40-pounds on his own plan and when he turned 83 wrote The Art of Living Long. Would you believe that his book has been republished several times, in fact, just recently in 2010.

Cornaro advised eating 12 ounces of food a day and 14 ounces of wine. And would you believe that he lived to be 98?!

Later when I dove deeper into the history of weight loss, I discovered that wanting to be lean started way back when the ancients ruled the world.

My theory (best guess) is that before our era only the wealthy had issues with weight. Getting so heavy that one couldn’t ride a horse demonstrates the obvious plight: the struggle is real.

My point: it might not always feel like it, but our culture is the wealthiest the world has ever seen. But we’re struggling about how to have such abundance and have a healthy life without the coconut cream pie ruling our world. Does it help to know that the weight issue has been around forever? We’re in good company. ❄️

Pearl Three

Sequencing is taken directly from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The purpose of sequences is to help us move from reacting to circumstances to responding. I encourage you to do a sequence a day in your journal. Powerful stuff.

Automatic Sequence

I’m writing from the POV of a long ago friend, Susan.

  • Situation (something super concrete):  My husband left me for another woman months ago.
  • Automatic Thought: I can’t live without him.
  • Feelings: shock, terror, despair, abandoned.
  • Action: I go into a kind of paralysis where I don’t eat or drink since he’s been gone. I can’t focus on books or shows. I work part-time which is heaven sent because I need private time at home so I can just stare at the wall.
  • Result: I’ve turned into myself. I go through the motions of life but barely.

If these sequences were actually happening to us in real life we’d need three or four bridge sequences between an “automatic” one and this new chosen sequence.

New Chosen Sequence

  • Situation (something super concrete):  My husband left me for another woman months ago.
  • Chosen Thought: I can be like the American woman who worked for Churchill as a spy behind enemy lines. After an accident she had as an adult, she had a limp due to a prosthetic leg. If that woman can limp around the Nazis with a prosthetic leg (and survive well to tell the tale), I can carve a new life out for myself, yes, even if it’s without Mark.
  • Feelings: Always sad of course, but I’m heading towards an acceptance of sorts with what happened.
  • Actions: I push myself to get out more. I’ve created a container garden on my deck that I’m really into.
  • Result: While I’ll always be sad about Mark leaving, I’m moving on. I have a new sense of my own competence which I cherish. ❄️

Pearl Four

Books love us and want us to be happy

This book came out in 2008, but if you missed it this is one awesome read: Loving Frank: a Novel by Nancy Horan. This is a very well researched book that is based on an affair that actually happened between Frank Lloyd Wright and a married woman. It’s absorbing read whether you’re into Frank Lloyd Wright or not. The ending is astounding. If you want to get lost in a great book-dessert, go for it! ❄️

Pearl Five

Successful people don’t make excuses; they find solutions.” ❄️

Estee Lauder

Writing to you is one of the most fun things I do all week! In the U.S. we have a super cold front coming in so I’m off to clean my flannel sheets.

Stay warm and cozy!

♥, Wendy

You know the scoop: I’m an Amazon affiliate. If you buy from a link in my post, I’ll receive money, but the arrangement won’t cost you a dime.

Are you new to the Inspired Eater? Welcome!! This blog won’t make much sense until you first read the Aunt Bea post (and you’ll find Aunt Bea on this page to the right under my short bio). On your cell you’ll see it immediately following the first post. After you enter your email address, the Aunt Bea article will be sent to your email’s inbox. If it’s not there, you might check the spam folder. And always feel free to email me at Wendy@TheInspiredEater.com and I’ll get Aunt Bea right to you!!

I am not an expert, a doctor, a surgeon, a nurse, dietician, or a nutritionist: the information within TheInspiredEater.com is based solely on my personal experience and is not intended to be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Author

Related Posts

Write A Comment